Dear Order Members
by Bellamort500
Summary: Dumbledore is tired of the order members childish antics.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Dear Members of the Order of the Phoenix, **

**It amazes me how grown adults continue to act as if they're children so, seeing as you all refuse to act as adults I am going to treat like children and give you rules to follow.**

**1. All of you're to stop sending insulting letters to Death Eaters.**

**Which idiot thought it'd be a wise move to insult people who want to already kill us.**

**2. Sirius Black is to stop getting into a screaming match with his Mother's portrait two in the morning.**

**Others want to sleep at that hour.**

**3. Not allowed to leave things in the middle of the room for Tonks to trip over.**

**It is no way amusing.**

**4. Nobody is to hide Remus's chocolate and refuse to give it back until he sings to you.**

**Especially the night before it is a full moon.**

**5. No-one to suggest that Sirius and Severus should kiss nor are you to lock them in a cupboard until they kiss.**

**Because when freed from the cupboard they'll both hurt you.**

**6. The following excuses are not accepted as to why you didn't turn up for an order meeting, **

**"I was having a pie eating contest with a goat"**

**"I was washing my hair".**

**"I was getting drunk and I lost track of time"**

**"I couldn't be bothered, because frankly I find them boring" **

**"I was breaking into Hogwarts because my godson wanted me to help him prank Umbridge".**

**7. Do not ever tell Molly how to raise her children.**

**Because it will lead to her shouting at you for several hours.**

**8. Food is to be eaten not thrown up at the ceiling.**

**That is such a waste of food.**

**9. Not allowed to switch anyone's shampoo with removable cream.**

**Severus looks weird with a bald head.**

**10. Nobody is to remind Sirius that is he related to Bellatrix Lestrange.**

**Because it makes him want to punch you.**

**11. Boredom is not an excuse for covering yourself in toilet paper and shrieking.**

**That shrieking was annoying and also kind of impressive.**

**How did Remus get his voice to sound that high pitched?.**

**12. Buckbeak is not a pony and it is disrespectful to say he is. **

**13. In the middle of duel between you and Lucius Malfoy, you are not allowed to ask "How he gets his hair that shiny?".**

**14. Do not tell Mad Eye that he is being followed by Ninjas.**

**Because he isn't and he is paranoid enough as it.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Dear Order Members, **

**It scares me greatly that if the ministry falls you lot are the last line of defence.**

**I mean just today Remus and Sirius were having a sword fight in their underwear.**

**I weep for the future of the wizarding world.**

**15. Not allowed to keep asking if you can keep an Elephant at headquarters.**

**Because the answer was NO the first time and it is always going to be NO.**

**16. Acting like an adult will not result in your nose dropping of and your tongue turning blue.**

**The constant instance that it will from a certain individual is annoying and makes others want to hex this individual.**

**17. Not allowed to play strip poker when Harry, Hermione and the Weasley brood are at headquarters.**

**Molly will hurt you if you do.**

**18. Sirius is not to leave headquarters. **

**Especially if it is in the middle of the day and he is naked unless he has a good reason. **

**To scream at a pigeon is not a good reason. **

**19. Baths are for washing in, not for mixing alcohol in. **

**20. Nobody is to ask Remus why he blushes every time Tonks is in the room. **

**Because the answer is obvious, he fancies her.**

**21. We are not all going to die horrible messy deaths.**

**Most of us are, but not all.**

**22. Nobody is to say that Voldemort secretly has a crush on me and that's why he wants to kill me.**

**That is disturbing.**

**23. Never remind Sirius he has a little brother.**

**Just don't remind him that he is related to anybody.**

**Sirius prefers to believe that he comes from an alien planet and that one day he's real family will return for him.**

**24. Not allowed to steal Moody's magical eye to use as a golf ball.**

**He didn't find it funny, I didn't find it funny.**

**25. Drawing a face on your pillow and calling it your best friend is creepy and it'd be appreciated if a certain somebody would stop doing this. **

**26. Not allowed to stick the furniture to the ceiling and say" Oh my Merlin, the house is upside down". **

**27. PMS and turning into a werewolf are not the same thing, neither Remus or any female Order member appreciates you claiming it is. **

**Trust me on this, annoying a werewolf and women is a no-no. **

**28. The Order would not function better if we had cowboy hats.**

**I am not saying that you can't wear cowboy hats, I'm saying it wouldn't make us function better as a group.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.**


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

30& 31 belongs to Jilyshipping.

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Order Members, **

**Which git or gits stole my lemon drops?.**

**29. Not allowed to go on strike nor, are you allowed to encourage others to go on strike.**

**NO STRIKING.**

**30. Mad Eye stop calling Tonks, Nymphadora. **

**As it will lead to her following you and you are paranoid enough without being followed by somebody. **

**31. Do not tell Mad Eye somebody is out to get him. **

**He is paranoid enough. **

**32. Annoying Molly until she threatens to hurt you is not a healthy hobby.**

**Try stamp collecting or knitting, basically anything that won't result with me having to listen to Molly shouting at you.**

**33. Remus is to stop sulking over Sirius eating his chocolate.**

**Get over it.**

**34. Nobody is wonder out loud what the nature of Bellatrix Lestrange's and Voldemort's relationship is.**

**35. Sirius is not allowed to release a thousand spiders in the kitchen then walk away whistling "Incy Wincy spider".**

**You're not funny Sirius Black.**

**36. Never insult Kreacher in front of Hermione, You know how she feels about House Elves.**

**That girl scares more than Voldemort when she is angry.**

**37. Calling a Death Eater a "Moronic ugly interbreeding snake kisser" is not a wise thing to do when they have their wand at your throat.**

**38. Anything Sirius thinks is a brilliant idea usually ends up with you being chased by Aurors, Death Eaters and a hangover from hell.**

**Deny it all you want Sirius you know it is true.**

**39. Not allowed to call the under kitchen table "The land of your feet".**

**It sounds ridiculous.**

**40. Ice cream is for eating not pouring on somebody's head, actually all food is for eating not pouring on somebody's head. **

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**

**P.S when I find out who nicked my lemon drops I'm going to hex them so, they'll be sporting bunny ears for six months **


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

44. Belongs to Jilyshipping.

A massive thank-you to my reviewers and readers.

**Dear Order Members, **

**I think you all have the attention span of a gnat, actually that's insulting to gnats.**

**41. Sirius is forbidden from giving anybody relationship advice.**

**You're destroying people's relationships.**

**42. Not allowed to send Death Eaters cupcakes laced with laxatives.**

**These people hate us enough as it.**

**43. Not allowed to scream "DEATH EATER ATTACK" when they're not attacking.**

**44. Do not yell at the portrait of Walburga Black.**

**That means you Sirius.**

**45. Molly will hex you when you tell Fred and George that opening a joke shop is a good idea.**

**46. Not allowed to put troll snot on Severus's food.**

**It wasn't funny, it was just gross.**

**47. Not allowed to skateboard around headquarters naked.**

**Especially when Harry, Hermione and the Weasley brood are there.**

**48. No-one is to do or say anything that will lead others having to seek therapy for the rest of their lives.**

**49. Never gain are any of you to fill a thousand water balloons up with Mayo and then pop them. **

**50. Not allowed to scream "DIE FISH PINEAPPLES" during a meeting.**

**Nor in the middle of the night.**

**51. Boredom is not a good enough e**

**excuse for covering everything in glitter.**

**It's so shiny at headquarters now, it hurt my eyes.**

**52. Severus is not allowed to keep threatening to quit being a spy if I don't allow him to hex Sirius.**

**You two are worse than a couple of children.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

59 belongs to The Eclectic Bookworm.

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Order Members, **

**If my teddy Mister Snuggle boots is not returned to me, you all will regret the day you were born.**

**53. Nobody is to create anything that will bring about the end of the world. **

**Why you'd even want to is a mystery.**

**54. We are called the Order of the Phoenix, we are not called Do nothing and leave everything to a bunch of teenagers. **

**55. Not allowed to get drunk, strip naked, stand on the kitchen table and start singing nursery rhymes. **

**56. Tonks doesn't want to know how many people she is related to that have gone to Azkaban and you are stop telling her. **

**57. It is idiotic to break into a Death Eaters house, so you can put glitter on things.**

**I expected it from Sirius, but Mad Eye you know better.**

**58. Who ever keeps writing to Voldemort asking what is it like not have a nose, please stop. **

**I have my suspicions on who it is.**

**59. Severus is to stop requesting that one of us make a life-size portrait of Lily Evans just so he can talk to someone.**

**She didn't like you anyway, so just get over it.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Order Members,**

**I know you find it difficult to act like adults, but you could at least try.**

**60. Sirius you are not the god of all that is hot.**

**Sorry Sirius, but somebody has to says it.**

**61. Stop asking Remus and Tonks what they were doing in the closet.**

**Their lack of clothing gives us all pretty good guess at they were doing.**

**62. Not allowed to hide behind the sofa, wait until somebody sits down and then shout "SOFA MONSTER,".**

**It is both childish and annoying.**

**63. Stop mocking me behind my back.**

**Yes, I see all and know all.**

**64. Mad Eye Moody is not allowed to teach the Weasley twins all he knows.**

**65. Not allowed to whine that I don't let you have any fun.**

**I let you have fun, I just don't let you do stupid things.**

**66. Laughing hysterically at your own feet is weird and you are not to do it in meetings.**

**You know who you are.**

**67. Do not get into a screaming match with Molly.**

**You will always lose.**

**68. Severus is not allowed to put potions in Sirius's food.**

**Ever, for any reason.**

**69. There is no 'Send mouldy socks to Death Eaters' day.**

**No there shouldn't be.**

**70. Not allowed to ask a Death Eater in the middle of a duel, "Where did you get that robe from?, the fabric is beautiful,".**

**Albus Dumbledore**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

73. Belongs to Harry1675

74. Belongs to Sakura Lisel

75. Belongs Hermione Is My Role Model

to Embersky

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

**Dear Order Members, **

**I dreamt my shoes came to life and tried to shave my beard.**

**71. Not allowed to rant for forty-five minutes, non-stop about somebody taking your jelly.**

**The jelly was gross anyway.**

**72. Not allowed to have a debate over whether Severus's obsession with Lily is romantic or creepy.**

**73. You are not to make a portrait of Lily Evans/Potter and have it burn after Severus stares at it.**

**You probably scarred all of us for life**

**74. No recreating the scene from Lord of the Rings and turn Kreacher into Gollum and make him chase you around the house in the LATE hours of the night with him trying to get back his locket, and shrieking about wanting his prescious back.**

**It puzzles me why hes so attached to the locket, and I will admit that it was funny the first time but now all of you are just being mean to the poor elf.**

**75. Tonks, stop sending Howlers to Bellatrix Lestrange.**

**I know she's a nasty piece of work. There's no need to provoke her into attacking you and your parents. We've got enough to deal with as it is. On another note, Andromeda found your last Howler quite amusing.**

**76. No one is to dye my beard pink the day before an order mission.**

**I doubt the death eaters find it funny.**

**77. Arthur Weasley is not allowed to talk to any of his children about their conception. **

**This has nothing to do with the Order, but the Weasley brood pleaded until I made it a rule.**

**78. if you dislike pain, never ever suggest that Severus really fancied James Potter and not Lily.**

**Severus loathes James Potter more than I loath possessed pumpkins.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**AN: Sorry it is so short.**

**Dear Order Members, **

**I like broccoli and I like cauliflower. **

**79. Owning a chicken does not make you invincible. **

**Sirius and Remus quit saying it will**

**80. Not allowed to end every sentence with the words my monkey agrees. **

**Especially if you don't own a monkey.**

**81. No-one is to ask, if I'm all powerful why the hell I didn't stop Voldemort before he became all powerful and before we had to rely on a teenage boy to save us all. **

**Because I refuse to answer that question on the grounds I don't want to.**

**82. Always remember that insulting Tonks is a bad idea.**

**She inherited the Black family temper. **

**83. Sirius is stop writing to the ministry confessing to crimes he hasn't committed. **

**84. Tomato soup is not the elixir of immortality, it just tomato soup. **

**It'd be awesome if it was. **

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**AN1: The next chapter I will use every suggestion sent to me, I know the previous chapter and this chapter I haven't, but I promise I will.**

**AN2: Check out What Not to Do When in the Order by Torry-Riddle. It is these rules in action and it is hilarious. **

**A massive thankyou to my readers and reviewers.**

**Dear Order Members, **

**You're all insane. **

**85. Sirius is to stop his hate campaign against orange sherbet. **

**Actually all flavor sherbets.**

**86. Death Eaters are not adorable and you not allowed to tell them they are. **

**87. "I don't care," is not the correct response when Voldenort threatens to kill me. **

**My feelings are deeply hurt. **

**88. Charming rude words into a sleeping order members hair is forbidden. **

**It wasn't funny.**

**89. I don't care why there was a goblin, two unicorns and a goat in Sirius bedroom. **

**I fail to see why Severus cares so much exactly. **

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**90 & 91 Belongs to K. Grim.**

**93. Belongs to Hermione Is My Role Model.**

**94. Belongs to chocolatecheesecakes. **

**97& 98 Belongs to 03hermione1992.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

**Dear Order Members, **

**My beard looks awesome plaited.**

**90. Sirius you're not to take on your animagus form and go about licking your crotch during a meeting or in front of others. Frankly it is disurbing.**

**91. Do not ask Minerva if she goes into heat.**

**She will kill us all. And we don't want to know.**

**92. It's impossible to crossbreed a Pig and Monkey, so please stop requesting a crossbreed monkey and a pig for your birthday. **

**You know who you are.**

**93. It is unwise to provoke a shouting match between Molly Weasley and another person.**

**We all know that Molly wins every time and the argument – no matter how trivial – is likely to go on for ages (I think the record is an hour and a half). I'm sure none of us want to go around with ringing ears for the rest of the day, and we most certainly do not want to wake Sirius' mother. In addition to this, knowing Molly's fierce temper,somebody could end up getting seriously hurt.**

**94. Lightsabres are not effective against Death Eaters.**

**Yes - it's amusing to have Voldemort stare at you like you've just eaten some of Fred and George's 'Loony Drops' but he doesn't understand Star Wars and unfortunately he never will.**

**95. Everyone is to stop implying I am senile. **

**I am not senile. **

**96. Never are any of you to mention the pink pony incident. **

**It is best left not talked about except with a therapist that Sirius is so paying for .**

**97. An Order meeting is not the proper time to debate whether Voldemort or Sauron is the better Dark Lord.**

**Do that on your own time.**

**98. Sirius does not find it amusing when you tell him that he needs a flea bath. **

**I am tired of hearing him complain about it, so please stop.**

**Sincerely Albus Dumbledore. **


End file.
